What do you need from me tonight?

[baratiesbest.livejournal.com]

Who: Sanji baratiesbest and Ace dontcallmegol
Where: Hospital, second floor.
When: October 16th, around midnight.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: With the chip event over Ace seeks out Sanji to see just how much damage he managed to do.

the log:

Sanji was awoken by a slow, steady throb echoing within his chest, beating out a rhythm under his cold fingertips, slowly dragging him back to the land of the living.

His heart was beating.

It was a surreal concept at first and several minutes passed before he even bothered to open his eyes - dimlit room, dirty white ceiling, a lingering smell of disinfectants and mold. The hospital. He remained still for another moment, felt the tingle in his limbs, the dull pain in his right leg, the steady rise and fall of his chest as he was breathing without pain. The bastards had really brought him back and even though this should be a relief it really... wasn't. The cook still hadn't forgotten those words, the very last thing his oxygen-deprived brain had registered before his systems gave out entirely.

Living wasn't nearly as exciting as it should be.

Even so he pushed himself up into a sitting position, swung his legs over the side of the hospital bed with a low groan. Stiff, aching... but still intact. He was just about to get ready to leave when he noticed that he wasn't alone in the room - someone was there with him, in the shadows. He froze, eyes fixed on that unknown figure, unmoving. Waiting.


Ace knew he was tredding on thin ice even showing his face around town. He'd taken every precaution he could think of to get to the hospital and up to the second floor without being seen. Luckily he was well practiced in this sort of thing, being a pirate, stealth became number one on your list of things to learn. One had to be covert at times if they were to keep their freedom or their life.

He hadn't been entirely sure what room he'd show up in, it was pure luck that he caught sight of the blond in passing. He slipped into the room and took up a spot in a corner near the door. If someone came in, he'd see them first and spring for the window before they could stop him. He just hoped he had time to at least see him.

As the moments ticked away he'd fallen victim to his thoughts, the memories of what he'd said to the man in his last moments ate at him. He hung his head in shame, clasping a hand over his face as he fought off the turmoil going on in his heart and head. What had he done? That wasn't him...was it? But what had happened? And why? How could he possibly face Sanji after such a thing? But he couldn't just sit back and say nothing. He had to see how the man was doing... find ot just how badly he'd broken him. He hoped that it had only been death stealing the  man's soul...not his words.

He froze, looking up at the sound of the bed shifting, watching the other come around slowly. Those blue eyes lifted to meet him and he saw his form go rigid. Shit. He'd gotten too lost in his own thoughts to notice the other. Still, he shifted his weight, stood and moved toward Sanji, one hand reaching out in both defense and case the other made a break for the door. "Wait...please..."

The blond remained still. Silent. Ace definitely topped the list of people he really didn't want to see, especially not now but what choice did he have with the way the other man blocked the only other exit? He could make a break for it but... he just didn't have it in him to fight. Whatever Ace had to say... it didn't matter. He could wait, let the fire user get it over and done with. It wasn't like he had something better to do or somewhere he needed to be.

One thing was certain though - he didn't trust the man any more. Not at all. As far as Sanji was concerned Ace had shown his true colors that day and it would take a lot before that impression could change again. What he had said, not just to him but to Chopper as well --- it was inexcusable. Unforgiveable. And painfully true.

Sanji pushed himself up on his feet, suppressed a groan as he put his weight on the bad leg. It hurt, pain shooting downward from his knee but it didn't feel like it would be permanent. A limp, maybe. But what did it matter? And so he straightened himself up to his full length, head held high as he met the other mans eyes. His own were hollow, devoid of light and life. If Ace had any doubts about just how damaged the cook had really become those doubts were sure to disappear by now.


He paused, watching the other as he stood in silence, concern furrowing his brow some. Slowly he put his hand down by his side and just searched. But Sanji's eyes were empty, cold, his expression, though determined and attempting to be strong, looked defeated. Ace could feel his heart wrench, twisting painfully as if it had been stabbed by the blond. He fought back the urge to panic, as if he couldn't breath. But his heart still beat and he drew in a deep breath before letting it out with a sigh. What had he done indeed. What could he say? What could he do to fix this? He'd broken him...

"S-sanji... what I said... that wasn't me." He said desperately, swallowing a lump in his throat before turning his eyes to the floor, then the wall in some attempt to find answers. Would he believe him? Could he believe him after all that? "...I'm sorry. I shouldn't have-- I didn't mean to-- please." He turned back to him. "You've got to believe me. It's not right. It wasn't true." These things came spilling forth from him before he could check himself, before he could even begin to sort out what he was thinking and feeling. It must have sounded like some garbled mess of excuses. But the pain was there, giving a squeezed sort of sound to his voice. He felt terrible and aside from trying to seem as scincere as possible, perhaps...there was a little weakness of his own that was showing through his eyes. It was he that lost control and he had no room to accuse Sanji of the things he had.

He watched as Ace tried to explain himself, grasp after excuses, reasons, forgiveness. It was pathetic really, seeing this great, cruel pirate like this. The words sounded sincere... but they sounded just as sincere before, back when he was still bleeding into his gut. Ace had been very convincing and this... act or whatever shit he was trying to pull wasn't nearly as good.

"...forget it."

The words slipped out through cracked lips, his voice rough and ragged and so very unfamiliar. Sanji paused, cleared his throat before he tried again. He kept his eyes on Ace as he spoke, watched his expression with a cold, blue gaze.

"Forget it. You didn't say anything I didn't already know."

And that was the truth, wasn't it? They were weak. Fucking idiots for ever believing that they could reach their goals, especially that moron of a captain. Dreaming of impossible things was one thing but actually believing that it would ever come true? What the hell had he been thinking..?

No. Ace had been right. He knew that now, even in this disoriented state that one fact stuck out like a guiding light. They were idiots. Fucking lunatics. That had to come to an end.


"What?" Those words took him by surprise for a moment. Something he didn't already know? What were all those times they spoke of Luffy and the crew then? The confidence the man held. How many times had he been scolded by the blond for even making it sound like he doubted them? And now this? He couldn't believe what he was hearing.

And all things considered he was lucky he couldn't hear what was going through Sanji's head. "Forget? How could I?" He shook his head and reached out for the blond, planting his hands firmly on his shoulders. He wanted to shake him but thought better of it. Instead he looked him over and gently coaxed him to sit back down. His voice grew small as he spoke. "You shouldn't be standing...sit..."

He was at a lost for words really. How could he prove to the other that it wasn't-- him. But it was him. Somehow. He didn't understand how or why he'd snapped like that. What provoked him to lash out at Sanji or hunt down his friends in cold blood. This wasn't like him, he'd never done anything like this...not like this. Sure he did what he HAD too, like with blackbeard, he had no choice! He... what was happening to him? He wrestled with his thoughts trying to find the words to say.


"It's-"

He made a start to say something in order to make this whole discussion go away but then Ace's hands were on his shoulders, pushing him down. Sanji tried to shake him off but with his leg being the way it is he didn't have nearly enough force to fight back or keep his balance - before he knew it he was back on the bed, one hand in a tight grip around the other mans wrist.

His spirit might be broken but there was no mistaking the look of defiance that flared up in the cooks eyes. Who the hell did Ace think he was, coming here after everything that happened? Treating him like a kid... scolding him one moment only to take it back the next. They were the same age for fuck sake, adult men fully capable of taking care of themselves-

Right. He had failed that, hadn't he? Gone and got himself killed - again. That was still no excuse for Ace to act like he did - Sanji glared up at him from underneath those blond, still bloodstained bangs.

"Let go."

It was somewhat relieving to see the other at least have some defiant fire left in him. It was a start at least. But it wasn't enough, there should have been more. He did let go, pulling away as if burned by the other, dropping one hand to his side and waiting for his wrist to be released. He sighed and gave up even looking for the right words, he may as well come out and say what he meant, what was running through his mind... at least then maybe it'd make some sense. Even if he was all sorts of torn up and confused inside.

But it was hard to even start, to sort through the truth and the lies, because the most difficult thing about what had happened, was the fact that there may be some reality to his words.

"...trust me, I know it's hard to do that right now considering what I have just done, but please... you have to hear me, I need this much." He was half tempted to drop to his knees and beg at this point. He didn't want to be the reason his brother's crew fell apart. He didn't want to be the one to destroy Sanji's spirit.

"...what I said, I didn't mean it...not all of it... and I shouldn't have-- not like that. Not while you were--" He swallowed painfully. "...You couldn't have known something would happen. I don't know how or why but... your friends, you couldn't endanger them too. You're not weak Sanji. You originally went out there to face your fears and that's more than many could do. Luffy... he may be an idiot but I meant it, he's a good judge of character. He knows how to befriend the strong. You all have a fighting chance... but you have to work together. As one. As a crew." He frowned. "...he's not here. a few of you aren't...but you can still rely on each other...you can still be just as strong."

He was trying to ammend what he'd said. He hoped it wasn't too much for him all at once. "...f-forget what I said to you... it wasn't me, I'm not like that. I didn't mean to make you suffer more than you already were. It was dishonorable and if there's anyway... anything I can do... I just. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He bowed his head, eyes closed tightly as his jaw tightened. ...he felt so lost...what could he do?

Sanji listened quietly, allowed the disjointed and half-finished sentences sink in. Under different circumstances he would have known all this already - hell, it sounded like something he would've said himself if anyone ever questioned the strength of the Straw Hats. But now, hearing it from Ace...

He felt nothing. Nothing at all. The words washed over him together with the emotion they carried but nothing resonated - judging from the way the two men acted you'd rather think it was Ace who had recently met his death, not Sanji. The cook sighed, shoulders slumped and head bowed. This was really too much. He had barely gotten his bearings straight and Ace was already pestering him about something that was long since passed.

"I told you... I already knew that shit."

He relaxed even further, rested his head in his hands as he sat on the bed, waiting for Ace to be done with whatever it was he was trying to accomplish. When had he first started thinking in these tracks? April, after the last time they had left the city? Or was it earlier, maybe as early as January when Zoro had sliced him up outside of Marshall. So fucking long ago...

"It's nothing new."

So that was it huh, nothing... it was like his words fell on deaf ears. His shoulders slumped some and he certainly looked defeated. Pathetic... it really was. He sighed and dropped to a crouch on the floor, there really  hadn't been anywhere else to sit, no chair or bed, this was one of the smaller rooms. What would it take? Could he even fix this? Maybe he shouldn't even be attempting anything until he was more certain of his own mental stability... but still. It felt wrong to just leave the man alone. He wished that someone was here, anyone... just not him. He couldn't blame Sanji for not wanting to see or speak to him much.

But his words concerned him most of all.  Nothing new? So he'd been thinking this way before? It confused him. He would have never guessed such things would have come from the blond.

"Stop it." He spoke sternly. "Listen to yourself. What sort of man are you to be defeated by words?" He didn't quite know where it was coming from, but maybe he'd hear this at least. "If you already know then what's the problem? You should know that what I said wasn't true. You are strong, you can achieve what you want. Where is the fight? What's become of you! Just days ago you would be yelling at me for this!"

A moment of silence passed, just a second or two and then something clicked within the blond. Slowly raising his head he looked up at Ace, a twisted smile playing at the corners of his mouth. There was no humor in his expression and when he spoke his voice was just as cold as before, covered in just the slightest hint of desperation. Earlier he had wanted nothing more than for Ace to leave him alone so he could pick himself up and continue like nothing had happened - but that was then. It was too late for that now.

"What sort of man I am...?" He spoke slowly, deliberately. "That's the million berri question... isn't it. And you don't hold the fucking answer to that - you don't know shit about us!"

A mirthless chuckle spilled out, mingled with the words that came so easily now. He wasn't angry or even all that aggressive. Just... tired. Worn down. Sick of people assuming things about him, about them, about who they were and what they could do. Filthy pirates, criminals, thiefs, rapists. And now, the same kind of bullshit coming from Ace - no matter the good intentions it was still bullshit in the cooks ears. Assumptions. The man didn't know shit about the Straw Hats - hell, they didn't have a reason to trust him in the first place apart from the fact that he was supposed to be Luffy's brother.

"Who the hell do you think you are anyway? Saying we're weak or strong... you haven't seen what we're capable of. What we've been through. So you've been in the Grand Line longer... doesn't give you the fucking power to see how strong someone is jus' by looking at them."  At this point he was practically stumbling over the words, cutting the sentences short. "I don't have a bounty. I'm not some notorious pirate roamin' the Four Oceans but I do fucking know the cruelty of the sea."

And he was back to the beginning - Zeff. Zeff, the man who had showed him what it really took to survive. What sacrifices you had to be willing to make. Sanji had gotten confirmation that he wasn't nearly man enough just two days earlier, that he didn't have what it takes to go all out. All his willpower and unwavering resolve... it amounted to absolutely nothing in that moment. Holding the piece of concrete above his knee, fingers scraping against the rough surface - and then the overwhelming feeling of despair as he realised that he couldn't do it. He came back either way but the knowledge that he couldn't give up a limb for his life, a pound of flesh for his dream -- in the end that was what really cracked him.

"We're weak. It's about time someone figured that out."

His eyes snapped to the cook as soon as he started in, rambling, ranting at him furiously. He almost seemed to be there again, that small spark, that little bit of a fire, but something was off. And as all of his words came crashing down around him till they settled and made sense. Well...something snapped in him.

He rose from his crouch swiftly to curl his fingers into the front of the mans shirt, holding firm as he slapped him. That's right. Slapped him, open-palmed across the face. He thought about shoving him back onto the bed but decided against it. If he were hit in return, so be it. The priate hadn't gone without wounds. He was bandaged in several places, his clothing cut up and gouged. Hell, there was what looked to be a dappling of a shot gun blast that had taken off part of the rim of his hat. He was tired, weary, he'd barely gotten any rest the last three days as his body just kept running, hunting for more blood to shed.

But Sanji wasn't weak. He wasn't. "FORGET THE GRAND LINE!" He spat. "The reality of this place  is different! Think of how long you've gone on in this place! What you've had to deal with!" He didn't honestly know, but considering what had happened in just two months? He could only imagine. "And all it took were words to break your fighting spirit! LISTEN TO YOURSELF." Since he obviously wouldn't listen to him.

"Who the hell am I? Who...is right." His voice lost some strength in that. "...I'm no better than you. I lost myself to some sickness...I hurt my friends. I tortured the people I care about..." Yes, that meant you Sanji. "...I'm no man. I'm a monster. The people of our world were right... but you. You're different. You have more of a chance to change that then I do. I can't fight my blood." He released him. No... who was he to talk at all. He was done. It was best to let his friends pick up the peices. He was an outsider after all... what did he mean to them?

His head jerked to the side at the strike but apart from that he didn't move, made no attempt to hit back. His muscles were tense though, like he was holding himself back rather than just sit there and take it. He slumped back a little onto the bed as Ace finally let go of his shirt and when the man seemed to be finished he turned his head slowly, looking at him again.

"...forget the Grand Line. Right." Zoro had said something similar once - if you can't go home then you just have to make the most of it here. But Sanji couldn't do that. There was no substitute for his dreams here. The water here was stale and gray, not the impossible shade of blue that it had back home. Eleven months... fucking ridiculous.

"You still haven't been here very long, have you?" He sounded calmer now though, a little more composed now that he had gotten most of it out of his system. His tone still carried that weary taste of defeat but maybe, just maybe was he starting to come back to the surface. "You're right... the Grand Line is nothing like this place. But if we can't even survive here, then what business do we have back home..?" He took a deep breath, dragged a hand through his dirty hair. The Straw Hats had a habit of going at it on their own, singling out enemies or tasks. It was what they did, they were too small a clan to stick together at all times.

But they had always been together during a crisis. They were always there for each other... except here. Disregarding that some of them weren't even here, ignoring that their Captain had just disappeared again - they should be better than this.

They weren't. Simple as that.

"No. I haven't. But this place... there's something more to it." He sighed, not quite sure what he meant or how to explain it. "...look. Just...death here isn't as meaningful as it is back home, it's not the end. So consider it a way to pick yourself back up and get stronger. Learn from it." He didn't have much left in him to fight anymore.

"You're right. Who am I to talk? Who am I to judge you or Luffy. The Grand Line or Discedo. I don't know you, I haven't seen all that you can do. Or what you've all been through. I haven't been there. I barely knew Luffy anymore." There was something painful in that statement. For whatever reason there were deeper things coming to the surface in this. "...I'm..." He was lost. He raised a hand to his face. Everything was swirling in his head, he couldn't even find the words. "...just know, that I'm sorry. And just... forget what I said. My opinion shouldn't matter. What matters is you and your nakama." He sighed, running a hand back through his blood spattered hair, feeling awkward and out of place all of a sudden. He turned to leave...

You and your nakama.

Something about that sentence stuck out - Ace wasn't included and that was nothing strange, he was an outsider. A rival even, or would have been if this was the Grand Line. But it wasn't. This was Discedo, a place where the only way you could survive without going insane was to live in the present. Cling to the ones that mattered. And Ace---

Ace mattered. Even now, after everything had been said and done. Not just because of his relation with Luffy or because they came from the same place. He just... did. He belonged with them and if it was one thing that Sanji knew it was that Discedo had a way of screwing with people. It was starting to sink in, that possibility that maybe it wasn't just another side to the fire user. The blond had been too disoriented before, too preoccupied with the crippling realization about how far he was really willing to go. He hadn't noticed, but now... it made sense. 

"Oi."

Pushing himself off the bed again Sanji edged a little closer to the other man. He was still cautious, confused but he couldn't just let him leave like this. Not without saying... something. This wouldn't make it okay or even that much better but it was a step in the right direction. Either of them could be gone within the next five minutes and the one left behind shouldn't have to deal with any regrets.

"...don't worry about it."

These were, unfortunately, all sides of Ace, it's just that one in particular had been pushed beyond the norm. That he knew it wasn't his fault...he just thought he'd lost his mind somehow. He really didn't know what to think of it. Would this happen again? But Ace...for as strong as he seemed, despite how he stood up and fought, or smiled through the worst of things and pushed people forward... inside, he was torn, stressed, tired and now most of all, confused, lost...alone. He'd hurt the people that had come to be his allies, how could they possibly trust him now? Especially since he couldn't trust himself.

He turned to the other, offering him a small smile. But it wasn't complete, there was something empty, something almost sad about it. "Thanks Sanji." He offered, but it was obvious that he couldn't live it down. He had to worry about it. Something was seriously wrong with him if he had attacked his friends like that. But not even just mindlessly, he HUNTED Them... like he had blackbeard. He'd hurt them without remorse, and part of him enjoyed it. He'd had two different minds during all of it, one that laughed and the other that cried out in vain to STOP. But he couldn't. He failed...again. More people got hurt because of him.

No, he'd leave without a word. Sanji needed his Nakama now most of all.