discedo_logs | Lachesistein: Open Log

[ Karkat, on the other hand, has been dragging quite a bit on this trip. He looks sick. He's stupidly pale, the bags under his eyes are pronounced, he's sweating as though he has a fever, and he occasionally has to pause to sit down/not faint.

That does not mean he is any less crazy than America though. If anything, he's a rambling lunatic, talking about "cocanuts" [sic] and "the island of Lost" and occasionally something about wizards. But no one cares. Not one fucking soul.

His letter was from Eridan. No one is surprised. ]

This isn't the island, you lying piece of shit. We aren't even lost. You have failed me my child.

[ Yes, he brought along his Prinny, BenfromLost. He is long used to Karkat's verbal abuse. ]

Karkat. [ Terezi knows he's sick, but he insisted on coming, and by god, she didn't want to hear his bitching. Besides, he'll get better soon, right? Right.

At least that's what she thought before he started rambling about the Island of Lost and some shadow monster thing. ]

Karkat, stop talking to BenfromLost like that. And stop making shit up about islands. You're sounding crazier than usual, and surprise! It's actually kinda starting to freak me the fuck out.

I'm not making any shit up. Eridan and I were trapped on this fucking island a long while back and a smoke monster tried to lure us into his white van with whispered promises of sushi and green tea. And if he is around here somewhere [ waving Eridan's note in front of her face, as though THAT does any good ] fuck knows he's not going to be able to take care of himself. Even though he's a dead dirty murdering coccyx, he's still my asshole friend. He's the only one who understands the cocanuts!

[ He gets up really close, practically nose to nose with her. She can probably smell the disease reeking from his breath. ]

Terezi.

Do you know about the cocanuts?

[ Karkat, your breath smells like all the horrors that the phrase 'orphan factory' implies.

She takes a step back. ]

Uh. No?

[ Karkat opens his mouth and points his finger like he's about to lecture her, but he freezes.

He forgot the secret of the cocanuts. ]

Well fuck. Neither do I. We'll have to figure this out while we're here. You do your detective routine and I'll be your cranky cohort who bitches at you as much as he damn well pleases. We'll be like Stablock Holmes and Watson. I need a bowler hat.

[ He mutters to himself a bit as he wanders into some nearby shade. Not that there's much need for that but whatever. ]

You manage to catch a whiff of the Prince of Dope yet?

Nope. [ She snatches the letter of out of his hand and licks it. ] Besides the writing, I don't even taste him on your letter. Same thing with the one I got. [ And then she fucking eats his letter. Because wow these things are dumb and what the hell is cocanuts anyways. After chewing her food nicely and drooling everywhere, she starts speaking again. ]

The only routine we'll be doing is the one where you stick behind me, and I keep us from getting horribly maimed by any and all monsters we run across. Because you're looking pretty miserable right now-- more so than you usually do.

Edited 2012-07-17 21:42 (UTC)

Can you taste the overemotional, whiny theatrics? I don't even have a remarkable sense of taste and it's still palpable. It's--

[ And he just watches her eat the letter in shock and disgust. ~~Disgust that IT SHOULD'VE BEEN ON FIRE.~~ ]

WHAT ARE YOU, A WALKING GARBAGE DISPOSAL? DO I NEED TO SHOVE OUR PILES OF EMPTY WRAPPINGS AND FILTH INTO THAT GAPING MAW OF HORROR THAT YOU CALL A MOUTH?

[ All the yelling seems to leave him out of breath and he sits down. Even though his body is in terrible shape and his mind is riddled with dumb, nothing will break the spirit of rage. ]

Fine, but I'll have you know that though my body may be wracked with fuckery, I'm not utterly helpless. I'm not Tavros. Even crippled I still have enough spine to survive.

...And I think I still have a death lizard in my sylladex. Feel free to employ that at any point.

[ Karkat is actually exhausted from rage. Rage has worn him out. That's like getting tired from breathing. That's like getting tired from the various cellular functions one must perform in order to qualify as alive.

She kneels, papping at his face to find his forehead. People do that, right? Like, somehow, touching some asshole's forehead will inherently tell you whether they're sick or not. While there are no signs or anything obvious, Terezi's about 99.9999% sure no one is ever supposed to be that warm. Maybe he was sicker than she originally assumed he was???? ]

Alright, Not-Tavros-Keeper-of-The-Death-Lizards. We've got a few steps for survival, so get your spine ready. First step? It's the hardest. You're going to have to take a nap. Don't make me force you to do it.

Edited 2012-07-17 22:17 (UTC)

[ He is getting pretty tired from breathing actually. His breathing is labored and shallow. Karkat still has enough energy to swat her hand away after a few paps. He still has enough energy to try to resist her too. ]

Let's skip this step. It's an unimportant and useless step.

Oh, wonderful! The next step's my favorite! It's where I drub you senselessly into unconsciousness. [ Pinching a cheek now. YOU DONT WANT THIS FATE, KARKAT VANTAS. YOU DO NOT WANT IT. ]

YOU'LL NEVER NAP ME ALIVE.

[ And just like that, he takes off like a fucking rocket. He's running on sheer willpower and fury now. He's aimlessly running down the street, leaving poor BenfromLost to try to keep up. ]

Oh my fuck, KARKAT! YOU ARE FUCKING KIDDING ME, GET YOUR CUTE LITTLE ASS BACK HERE RIGHT THE FUCK NOW, MISTER! [ Luckily for Terezi, BenfromLost would hunt Karkat down like an eagle hunts a goat-- he never tires, he never gives up, he never surrenders his ~~prey~~ friendowner thing. Karkat will tire eventually, but BenfromLost won't. Terezi only needs to follow the prinny to find the troll. ]

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO OUTRUN ME. JUST GIVE UP, AND I WON'T DRUB YOU TOO HARD! OH HELL WHO AM I KIDDING? I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE ANYWAYS! UGH, YOU ARE IMPOSSIBLE.

[ Sadly he's too far gone to really pause and consider the word "cute" in that sentence. ]

I AM THE DEATHLESS GOD WHO NEVER SLEEPS. THE VOICES OF LESSER GODS AND THEIR DEAD ANGELS AND THE WRETCHED DEMONS PLEAD FOR MY HELP AND I WILL ALLEVIATE THEIR SUFFERING WITH MY FISTS. WITNESS MY MIGHT, TEREZI. WITNESS THE CONTENDER FOR THE IRON THRONE.

[ He runs as fast as his nubby little legs will carry him. Karkat ducks inside alleys, weaves through streets, climbs fences, it's almost ridiculous.

Once he's certain he's lost Terezi and thrown BenfromLost off the trail, he finds himself at the high school. Were this a horror movie or an SCP article this would be the point where you get somewhere safe. Nope. Not Karkat. This may just be his island. He snatches up some large rocks (read: cocanuts) in his sylladex and winds his way through the desolate halls. By now it's painful to breathe and it's a miracle he's even standing upright. In the back corner of an empty classroom he dumps his cocanuts into a pile

nods in approval

and collapses.

Congrats, Karkat, you have made everything infinitely worse. ]

[ Terezi and BenfromLost promptly forget about Karkat and decide to do their own thing. After a year of on again, off again dating, they marry and have several children all named after various household appliances. Terezi gets a job at the nearest law firm and successfully (and legally) murders her way to the top. BenfromLost is a doting stay-at-home mother who hasn't the slightest of an inkling concerning Terezi's multiple affairs with justice. Eventually, they grow old together and live off the successes of their children. BenfromLost dies at an incredible age, and Terezi, forever an American in her heart, simply fades away. It's a beautiful tale that will be told for ages, and the millions of pages of books about the topic will be used to warm freezing Russian homes when Siberian families run out of vodka and despair. ]

[ Except not, because none of that shit happened. Enjoy freezing in the winter, Russians.

It takes Terezi a few hours to pick up his scent again, and she'll be cursing his bullshit the whole fucking time. There is a lot of bullshit to curse, so she keeps busy. She's cursing him all the way to the high school, nose and tongue on everything despite how fucking terrible the world tastes. Being cute and adorably pathetic on a pile of rocks won't help you. Except... ]

If you're dead already, I'm bringing you back just to violently execute you. [ AND NOTHING OF VALUE WAS LOST. ]

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[Dave kind of gives Karkat the longest look. Uh...]

Karkat, you look utter shit. What the fuck are you doing here? [It sounds like he's being nonchalant and dismissive, but he's legitimately worried why Karkat is here in his condition.]

You just don't board a train that's probably a trap to some remote land already looking like hell.

Also, stop yelling at the god damn penguin. You okay dude?

I got the whiniest letter I have ever witnessed from a certain seadwelling psychopath and now I'm looking for the Lost island so I can drag his ass off of it before the white van monster abducts him.

[ Doesn't make any sense? It shouldn't. But Karkat speaks as though everything he's saying is perfectly logical and sounds more annoyed than usual that Dave isn't comprehending his clearly flawless reasoning. Gosh Dave how can his feverish rambling NOT make any sense?

There seems to be a flicker of lucidity as he registers the question. ]

If I'm fine enough to berate my Flipperbeast, I'm fine enough to wander around a town. Seriously. I've had it worse, this is probably just something I got from contaminated water that needs to work its way through my system.

[ translation: don't worry I'm okay! (except he's not) ]

I hope you realize none of that made any sense just now. You're making less sense than Rose trying to explain what all my deep inner urges actually mean.

[It doesn't. What the fuck is a white van monster.] What you really just told me is you're looking for a psychopath that is probably better off not found before someone child abducts him using candy and a white van. Are we talking about a typical child kidnapping plot or something? With a psychopathic fish person?

No, you look like shit. What have you been eating? [Please don't say possums...]

[ a nightmare ]

Jegus Crackers and Toast for breakfast, Strider, he's still my friend you insensitive fuck. Just because he's dead and a homicidal blob of calamari waiting to happen doesn't mean I'm going to ignore his whiny pleas for help. Anyway as far as I can figure, it's more than just the usual fish person abduction where the goal is to forcibly harvest genetic material and then cull the victim. No. The white van monster is as mysterious in its motivations as it is sinister.

You watch your back, Sunglasses. You could be next.

[ All of this makes perfect sense in Karkat's mind. ]

For your information I've been eating the usual stuff. Tapioca sandwiches. Bread sandwiches. Sliced orange sandwiches. Ketchup sandwiches. All sorts of healthy shit.

You're taking the letters seriously. [Well, okay. Dave might have too. But after finding a whole load of jack shit, he's getting pretty skeptical now.]

Are you listening to yourself? Like seriously. I was going to give you the benefit of the doubt, but you're saying a whole load of bullshit and I think you need to stop. I'm going to actually be concerned with your health and I think you need rest.

A lot of it. Also, probably something to make you feel better, but that's not going to be a thing that's happening since I have nothing of use but this shitty sword.

[He really doesn't want to deal with this.]

Those aren't sandwiches.

I am until proven that they're as fake as Tavros' self esteem. Better to operate under the assumption that they're real than risk them being true and ignoring them. [ this is the only lucid thought he's able to hold onto amidst his spiral into madness ]

I stopped listening to myself the second I pupated. Conversations with my past and future selves have only affirmed that it was a good idea.

[ His scowl deepens. Karkat lurches forward like he's about to shove Dave, but instead he just keeps going with the momentum and starts stumbling away. What little breath he does have he uses to go on an angry tirade. ]

Listen up you walking sack of severed human dicks: you're the one who's truly diseased here. Diseased with... with concern. [ He practically spits the word. ] I hope that some sort of lie or your perverse sense of irony at work. Fucking apathy and simmering agitation at my existence, that I can fucking understand. You giving even the vaguest semblance of a shit about my life even as you slowly reel Terezi into your sardonic web. This? This bullshit you're pulling right here?! Oh my god. I will smash your face into... into a jelly! And I will spread it onto bread and I will make a delicious sandwich, a food product which you clearly know nothing about!

Have you found anything though? [Dave doesn't want to be incredibly pessimistic, but he hasn't really found anything since arriving. Maybe he also doesn't want to consider that someone or something actually got ahold of Rose or Jade. He did come here though, so that means something.But, nope, he has to listen to you rant on about nothing.]

Uh, what? What the fuck are you talking about? I'm going to say this once, but this is me being one hundred percent concerned about your current mental health, or lack thereof. As for Terezi, I actually have no idea what you're talking about, which isn't a surprise to anyone since you're basically word vomiting faster than fangirls on Justin Bieber. Do you mean the fact we're friends wasting time? Because I can tell you now, we did the same thing on the meteor and it hasn't changed. We're just fucking around.

So, chill. Seriously. [He's following you now. Jesus, you're kind of freaking him the fuck out.]

Not yet. [ As much as Karkat hates to think it (and will never say it), he won't discredit Dave's suspicions. In all probability this is just some elaborate trap. Still, better safe than sorry. ]

I'm talking about your face smeared on some delicious raisin bread! Fucking pay attention when I'm making implausible, asinine threats! I'm onto you Strider. I am on you like sugar on saltine crackers.

[ He wheels around (nearly losing his balance in the process) to prod Dave in the chest. Try as he might to give Dave the most infuriated scowl, the effect is ruined by the red flush on his cheeks as a result of the fever. He gives up and continues on his stumbling journey. ]

I'll be chill when I'm dead. My empty husk will be so chill that I'll be frozen for sweeps and then revived by archeologists.

[ It's meant as a joke, but from the way things are going, that ~~will~~ could be a real possibility. ]

[Dave isn't sure whether he regrets being here or not. This place sucks and the train ride sucks too.]

You realize you just told me to pay attention to you while you make ridiculous attempts at my life. [Just pointing that out bro.] ...

You look like death is just around the corner. You're sick, dude. I don't care what you say. You look like hell decided to make love to your face.

[ Dave should regret anywhere he is with Karkat. ]

I fully realize it and I will continue to berate you for not being enraptured by my rambling death threats. They are verbal gems. Cherish them.

[ Karkat knows that Dave knows he's full of shit and these are all empty threats anyway. Really, they're just excuses to for Karkat to get creative with his irrational anger. ]

My convorting with Hell is none of your business. Ours was a brief but sweet relationship and what it did with my face is only something you can dream of doing with Terezi. [ Karkat pauses, mouth hanging open as he visibly tries to continue down this absurd fabrication. Unfortunately his mind is way too muddled and foggy to make the effort, so he simply shakes his head. ]

I know I'm sick but not a whole fucking lot I can do about it here, can I?

[He still has plenty of time on the meteor to enjoy Karkat's presence. Oh joy.]

Oh, I'm cherishing them. Totally cherishing them. So, should I tell you about all this crap you said to me when you're not completely fucked up or keep it to myself?

I'm making this short and sweet. We're friends. If you want Terezi, than go get her, but all we do is mess around to pass time. [Stop projecting your feelings onto him!]

I can carry you. Because you look like you're about to keel over honestly.